


The Transmutation Center

by literallyepsilon



Series: Transmutation-stuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Gen, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Sci-Fi, Transmutation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 09:25:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 16,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literallyepsilon/pseuds/literallyepsilon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider is a man working as a professional time-traveller on the planet of Alternia Mark II.<br/>He stumbles somewhere he's not supposed to and gets into a little bit of trouble...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which an Idiot Gives His Friend Money

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, look. It's my first story! I'm glad to be here, and I hope you enjoy this story.

 "John, what the fuck are you doing."

 

Dave Strider crossed his arms over the back of his head as his eyes followed the movements of his best friend, John Egbert. He had been pacing back and forth for the past ten minutes now, and he was starting to get a little worried.

 

"I'm trying to  _think_ here Dave. Could you please shut up?" John said in reply, pacing back and forth.

"Seriously, dude. You've been doing that for like, forever. Is there something wrong?" Dave said.

"No, there's nothing wrong, I'm just..." John said, his pace increasing in speed.

"Oh, I get it." Dave said. "You're worried about Jade?"

"Yes, I'm worried about Jade!" John said.

 

Jade Harley and Dave's sister Rose Lalonde had recently went on a trip to go to the alien planet of Beforus, where they were trying to bring some random species out of extinction. Thinking about it, Dave couldn't remember what kind of species it was.

 

"Aren't you worried about Rose, Dave?" John asked, his pace increasing again. 

"Nah. My sister can take care of herself." said Dave. "As long as she brings me a sweet souvenir."

"You're a fucking idiot, you know. Shit, what if Jade catches a disease? What if she brings it back to Alternia?"

"I may be an idiot, but you're hyperventilating. Slow down. Chill." Dave said. 

"I can't chill!" John screeched. "What if she  _dies,_ oh fuck, what if she  _fucking dies out there_!"

"Listen, John. I know Jade's going to be alright, because she is a cool kid, and cool kids stay alive." Dave said, standing up to whack John. "So calm down. Besides, it's been fifteen solar minutes since they've gone."

"A lot of things can happen in fifteen minutes. They're going to be away for a week." said John, heaving in a breath. "Oh my God, she's going to die, isn't she. Oh my God."

"Listen, you can trans-call her later, okay? I'll lend you the funds and everything." Dave sighed.

"Really? Oh my God, good guy, best friend." said John.

"I probably need to trans-call Rose right now." Dave said, rubbing his neck. "Do you know where the nearest trans-call booth is?"

"I've told you like five times where it is, Dave." John sighed, suddenly back to normal. "You know."

"I can't remember. I'm busy thinking about cool kid stuff. You wouldn't understand." 

"Funny. Down the hall, to the right."

"Thanks."

 

Dave set off down the hallway, tucking his hands into his pockets. He had a total sum of fifteen US bucks, and had planned to spend it on trans-calling Rose twice, but he supposed he could lend some of the funds to John. He was his bro after all, and that's how bros treated each other.

When he came to a T-junction, he turned right, and found a trans-call booth. (A trans-call booth looked somewhat like a capsule with a curtain, and was almost imperative in everyday life.)

He pulled the curtain open and stepped inside.

 

"Trans-call." he quoted, holding out five dollars in his hand. "Rose Lalonde."

"Dialing." the booth chirped.

 

A few minutes later, Dave found himself looking into the face of his sister, who paused for a moment and regarded him before speaking.

 

"Why, hello, Dave. I wasn't expecting you to call me right now." Rose said, a sly smile on her face.

"Yeah, well. John wants to splurge all my money on calling Jade, so I have to call you now or I'm never going to."

"Yes, I expected that from a rambunctious spirit such as John."

 

Dave shrugged and leaned against the capsule's back.

 

"So, how is Jade?" he asked.

 

Rose shrugged, crossing her arms. 

 

"I don't know. We've been separated since we came onto the space-train."

"Space-train?"

"Space-commuter."

"Interesting."

"It's literally a train in space."

"Very interesting." 

"You're not taking this in at all, aren't you, Dave?"

"Nope, not one thing makes sense to me."

 

Rose groaned loudly, rubbing her temples.

 

"You're being insufferable again." she said.

"That's my job." Dave replied. "Anyway, what species are you going to save again?"

"These weird things called trolls. They're humans, but have strangely coloured blood. Apparently, they run in a hierarchy based on their blood colour." Rose said. "Example, there's a troll on here with us. Her name is Meulin Lejion, and she's come to help save the 'little trolls', as she calls them. She's an olive blood, and she said that olive is a relatively low colour."

"How about bright red?"

"One second."

 

Rose dived out of the frame, supposedly talking to said Meulin, and then came back inside the frame.

 

"Meulin said that bright red is a mutant color."

"Damn." Dave said. "We're all mutants, then."

"That we are." Rose said, smiling. "Well, better get to work. See you soon, Dave."

"Whatever." Dave said, and terminated the call. 

 

The money in his hand disintegrated into pixels, and he stuffed the remaining dollars into his pocket. He had a job to do, and this was probably the best time to finally show up.

Turning the corner, he left the trans-call booth.


	2. Genius? General dork and time-traveller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't expected so many hits! I literally posted this just yesterday!  
> Thanks a lot, guys! :D

Dave took a moment to stop outside the door of the room. He pulled himself into a composed state, put on his best face and opened the door. A girl with messy hair up in a bun turned to him, crossing her arms.

 

"ああ、それは時間の騎士だ。" she said.

 

 _This_ was why Dave hated going to work. 

 

"Yeah, I'm not even going to pretend I understood what you just said." Dave said in reply, sliding into a hover chair. His desk lit up with bright red light, and he saw the girl visibly cringe.

"赤？そしてただの赤ではない。鮮やかな赤の変異。" the girl said.

"What's your name anyway?" Dave asked, sliding his work notes off his phone onto his desktop.

"Damara." the girl said, her accent deep and jarring. "Damara Megido."

"Can you speak English, Damara?" Dave asked, throwing his phone into his satchel.

"はい、私はしないことを選択します。時間外国語のほとんどは、人々をオンにします。" Damara said, and she licked her lips suggestively.

 

Dave rolled his eyes behind his thick sunglasses. This was a given for this job, and he would've gotten used to it if he had  _been_ to work more often. Unfortunately, as were most things in life, it was put aside.

 

"Please don't." sighed Dave. "Please just don't."

"ファイン。" Damara replied, placing her phone on her desktop. "あなたは騎士、と言うものは何でも。私はとにかくあなたに対処する必要はありません。"

 

Dave rolled his eyes and turned to his notes. They were simple things, stuff he didn't actually care about that much. He brushed them aside and pulled up his shiny red laptop. He dragged it across the desktop, and opened it. It immediately started up, and showed him that he had missed a few messages from Jade. She was one of the only ones who used Pesterchum anymore. Dave used it sometimes, but only for amusement and irony.

Little did people know he used it because John did, too.

Speaking of John, Dave wondered how he was doing, and whether he had trans-called Jade or not. But Jade came first - and besides, she was already pestering him.

 

gardengnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: dave! :D

GG: dave, are you there?

TG: yeah im here

GG: hi!!!

GG: ive been waiting for you to pick up, you know.

TG: sorry ive been busy doing other stuff

GG: like stuff coolkidsdo?

TG: yeah

TG: that and doing john

GG: dave!!!! XD

TG: nah nah joking

TG: i wouldnt do john...

TG: id /do/ john

TG: if you know what i mean

GG: daaaave!! rude! X0

TG: sorry but im just saying

GG: i wanted to talk to you about something important, but now i cant remember what it is!

GG: you make me laugh too much!

TG: dont mean to make you forgetful jade

TG: just trying to do my job

GG: how is your job going?

TG: i finally showed up today

GG: you mean you havent been going?

TG: i went once

TG: met this creepy japanese girl

TG: left and never came back

TG: i could even compose a rap about her

GG: dont you dare!!

TG: haha sorry jk

TG: theres no time for shitty raps anyway

GG: grrr!

GG: but seriously dave, you need to be more responsible! you need that money, you know.

TG: but the japanese girl

TG: shes terrifying

TG: shes staring at me right now

TG: i think shes trying to look into my soul

TG: if i become a soulless husk tomorrow its that japanese girls fault

GG: dave stooooppp!!

TG: just saying

GG: she cant be that bad!

TG: yeah she sort of is

GG: what do you even do at your job, anyway?

TG: i sit around

TG: wait for assignments to be sent to my desk

TG: stuff like going back in time to get stuff

GG: stuff like stuff?

TG: stuff like stuff

TG: i also collect shit

GG: cool. :D but youre a coolkid, so everything is cool!

TG: true

TG: i mean coolkids are the stuff of legend

TG: to be a coolkid you must face the challenges...

TG: the challenges of cool

TG: founded in cooltopia

TG: by the mayor of cool

TG: cooly

TG: uh

TG: mccoolson.

TG: yeah cooly mccoolson mayor of cool of cooltopia founded the challenges of cool

GG: dork! :P 

TG: you dont even want to know what the challenges of cool are?

GG: no, i do! keep going!

TG: nah its a subject ill delve into another day

TG: how is the spacetrain?

GG: the space-commuter?

TG: whatever

GG: its fine! im accompanied by some trolls on the space-commuter.

TG: yeah rose told me about one of them

TG: mewlin legless or something

GG: you mean meulin lejion, right?

TG: yeah her

GG: i know meulin too, but im sitting next to a friendly troll called aranea serket!

GG: shes really really nice! and really very polite!

TG: what colour blood?

GG: hold on.

 

A moment passed.

Dave stole a look at Damara, who was still _goddamn staring at him_ , and she rolled her rust colored eyes at him.

 

"あなたは誰に話している？" she asked.

 

Dave set his sunglasses to translate whatever Damara was saying, deciding to finally try and understand the creepy Japanese girl. She may be creepy as god fucking all, but sometimes she had some good things to say.

 

"Who am I talking to? I'm talking to Jade Harley." Dave said, before turning back to the computer.

 

GG: she says shes a cerulean blood, and that its one of the higher classes on the...

GG: um. the hemospectrum.

GG: yup, i spelled that right.

TG: the hemospectrum

TG: the hierarchy of blood colours?

GG: whatever! DX

TG: sweet

 

An assignment flew in from the right side of his desk, and he picked it up.

 

_This task does not require you to use your time travel powers._

_Follow this map, it will lead you to where to go._

 

Huh. Weird. This was a task he had never recieved before in his life. Especially since it was one that he didn't need his time travelling skills to go to.

 

GG: i know, its pretty cool.

TG: jade i gotta go

GG: already?

TG: yeah i got a task

TG: back to cool kid stuff

GG: so cool!!

TG: naturally

GG: talk to you soon, alright?

TG: call john at some point

GG: yeah, yeah. :P

GG: thanks mom.

TG: see you jade

GG: bye bye!  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

 

Dave picked up the note and stared at Damara. She was staring at her laptop, and she glanced up at him once she noticed he was staring.

 

"I have you know I speak English." she said. 

 

Dave grimaced and left the room. He had a job to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some translations for the Japanese. I used google translate to simulate poor Japanese.
> 
> ああ、それは時間の騎士だ。= Oh, it's the knight of time.  
> 赤？そしてただの赤ではない。鮮やかな赤の変異。= Red? And not just any red. Bright mutant red.  
> はい、私はしないことを選択します。時間外国語のほとんどは、人々をオンにします。= Yes, but I choose not to. Most of the time foreign languages turn people on.  
> ファイン。= Fine.  
> あなたは騎士、と言うものは何でも。私はとにかくあなたに対処する必要はありません。= Whatever you say, Knight. I don't have to deal with you anyway.  
> あなたは誰に話している？= Who are you talking to?


	3. DOO WEE OOOOOOOO - Using your time traveling powers for good!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternatively, this chapter could be called: In which Dave Strider is confused as hell.

"Where are you taking me anyway?"

_Just a little further, Strider._

_Here to occupy you for a bit, a question for you. Bet you can't answer it._

"Try me, bro." Dave said, grinning.

_Why are we so awesome?_

 

Dave stared at the paper, coming to a stop in the hallway to contemplate it.

 

"Fuck, that is the best question that has ever been asked." he said.

 _Yeah. Anyway, see the fork_?

 

He turned to the front and saw a fork in the passage. 

It had three signs. 

'Bathroom'

'Trans-call Booths'

'Secret Area - Do Not Go Without Permission!!'

 

"Let me guess. 'Secret Area-Do Not Go Without Permission?'"

 _Nope_. read the paper.  _Go down the 'Trans-call Booths'._

"God damn it." laughed Dave, but he walked down the path anyway. "What's down there, anyway?"

_It's a secret area._

"And?"

_It's fucking secret, bro._

"Whatever you say, talking paper."

_Anyway, you should see a huge door in front of you._

_Open it._

 

Dave pushed open the door.

 

"Purr, Karkitty! There's something at the door!" a voice cried in surprise.

  
The first thing Dave took in was cages. 10 equally spaced cages and one humongous tank. He almost dropped the note, and he caught it just before it floated in the range of the first cage to avoid being seen.

 

"Well, whatever  _it_ is, it better not come in and prick us with goddamned needles filled with fucking crab DNA." another voice said.

"Not all of us are crabs, Karkat!" shouted another voice.

"You're a fucking spider, Vriska." the second voice replied. Dave assumed this one was Karkat.

"Hey, you know I'm still here." Dave said as casually as he could, and a loud screech filled the whole room.

"Yeah, well, get the fuck away!" Karkat shouted.

"You know, I'm not going to hurt you." Dave said, walking towards the first cage. 

 

The thing inside shuffled backwards and let out an almost pitiful roar. It made Dave recoil back out of sadness

 

"Did you fucking go near Nepeta?!" Karkat shouted.

 

A crash was heard from halfway across the room, of something trying to get out of the cage. Dave took another step back towards the door.

 

"No, Karkitty, I'm fine." mumbled the one in front of him, coming into the light.

 

It was a troll. She sat on the floor of the cage and licked her hand before scratching the back of her ears. She had a dark blue tail, and it curled around her feet as she came further into the light.

 

Wait a second.

She had a _tail_?

 

"Why do you have a tail?" Dave asked.

"Don't answer his questions, Nepeta!" shouted Karkat.

"No, don't worry. I can feel it! He's okay." Nepeta said. "My name's Nepeta Lejion, and I'm a cat-troll!"

"What's a cat troll?" asked Dave.

"No clue, actually. But the people here told me I was a cat troll!" Nepeta said, smiling happily.

 

Dave bit his lip as he looked at Nepeta. In all of his years of time-travelling, professional or not, he had never met a cat-troll, or even encountered one.

He reached into the cage and ruffled Nepeta's hair (it would be more suited as a mane, really, but Dave wasn't arguing) fondly, before moving over to Karkat, or where he thought Karkat was.

 

"Are you Karkat?" Dave asked, looking into the cage.

"Yeah, and what's it to you?" asked Karkat, coming out to look at Dave.

 

He had these most ridiculous pincers as his hands, and the most brightest red eyes that you had ever seen. Dave had to do a double take to make sure it really was red. 

 

"How long have you guys been here?" asked Dave, standing up to address everybody.

"Well...as fur as I know, we've been here fur furever!" Nepeta said. 

 

The tank knocked, and bubbles spewed from a thing inside.

"Fefurri! Do you want to say something?" asked Nepeta, and Dave walked over to the tank. 

 

Another little troll was submerged inside, with tentacles coming out of her waist. She had tyrian pink eyes, and smiled at Dave.

 

"Yes, I do want to say somefin, Nepeta!" Feferi said, stretching. "Hello! What's your name?"

"I'm Dave. Dave Strider."

"Oh! You're one of those professional timetravellers!" another shouted. "I have a sister doing the same thing as you, Damara Megido! I haven't seen her in years!"

"Megido, huh? Do you speak Japanese, too?" Dave asked.

"Nope, that's Damara's job." the earlier voice said.

Dave walked over to the vague area where he heard the voice from, and kneeled down to smile at a small troll with ram horns and a fluffy tail.

"I'm Aradia Megido, by the way." the ram-troll said. "That buzzy thing over there is Solbuzz Captor!"

"AA!" shouted another. "My name is not Solbuzz Captor! It's Sollux!"

"Yeah, Sol. Of course your name isn't Solbuzz Captor." another voice, this time coming from the tanks, said.

"Eri-fin!" scolded Feferi.

"Eri-fin and Solbuzz Captor? Wow, you guys have weird names." Dave laughed.

 

Nepeta's ears pricked up, and she began growling.

The door slammed open, and Dave jumped into the shadow between Aradia's cage and the wall.

 

"It's ten solar hours past midnight!" the voice at the door said. "What are you all doing making so much noise?!"

"Strider! You fucking asshole!" hissed Karkat. "You've led him here!"

"Who the fuck is it even?" Dave hissed back.


	4. Pumpkin, Pumpkin, Country bumpkin!

"Don't you recognize his fucking voice?" Karkat said, biting his lip. "It's Dirk's boyfriend!"

 

Dave raised his eyebrows. What was  _he_ doing here? And why?

 

"You're not hearing anything, Jake. All that is in here are cages, trolls and-" another voice said.

"And me." Dave called, stepping out of the shadows. "Hello. You better not be having sex in front of the trolls. Imagine their eyes. They'd have to burn their eyes out of their skulls. You two are fucking kinky."

"Bro!" Dirk Strider shouted, immediately turning red. "Why the fuck are you here?"

"Assignment." said Dave in reply. "Hi, English."

"Mr. Strider!" Jake English said, flushing. "I'm so sorry, we should get out of he-"

"Relax, English. You are forgiven." Dave said. " _You_ , however, Dirk. If you want to fuck your boyfriend, do it in your room."

 

Dirk rubbed the back of his neck and crossed his arms, glancing up at him.

 

"Jane and Roxy." he said simply, and Dave adjusted his sunglasses.

"Why the fuck are Jane and Roxy in your room?" he asked. 

"We share a room. Don't you share a room with John? In fact, I'm surprised you haven't fucked him yet." Dirk said, annoyed.

 

Dave flinched, just a little, and Nepeta started growling again.

 

"Low blow, human scum!" shouted Karkat. "Low fucking blow!"

"Well, troll crabby, no one fucking cares." said Dirk.

"You should treat these trolls right. They're still people." Dave said, and Dirk rolled his eyes. "Take this."

 

Dave handed Dirk the card to his room.

 

"You're giving us permission to fuck up your room with cum and clothes, right?" asked Dirk, turning the card around. "It's a nice room, too."

"Strider, I-I don't think it's very  _polite_ to just barge into someone's room and-" Jake stuttered, his face still a surprising shade of red.

"I don't mind. Now just get out and leave me to finish my assignment." said Dave.

 

Dirk took Jake's hand and dragged him off, the English boy still sputtering apologies.

 

"I'm surprised you managed to get them away." another voice said. "I normally just roar at them."

"Terezi, you're fiiiiiiiinally awake!" Vriska said. "Dave, this is Terezi. She's just soooooooo boring. She only sleeps all day."

 

Dave walked over to Terezi, greeting Vriska with a smile.

Vriska wobbled her spider legs and frowned at him, crossing her arms.

 

"Mm, I smell candy candy red. Like someone I remember over here..." said Terezi. "You're Dave, right?"

"Yeah, I'm Dave. I'm a coolkid."

"What's a 'coolkid'?" asked Terezi.

"You don't know what a coolkid is?" Dave said, appalled. "I'd have to teach you, then." 

"Yeah, sure. There's no fucking way we can get out of these cages."

"You say that now." Dave said. "I can only take three at a time."

"Three of us?" purred Nepeta. "I want to go!" 

"If you're going, Nepeta, I must go too." another troll said.

"Oh, but Equius! You like this place!" said Nepeta. "Nefur mind, then! I will wait here with Equius!"

"Are you sure, Nepeta?" asked Dave. "You don't seem to like this place much."

"Equius is my moirail! You always stay with your moirail!" said Nepeta, reaching across to the other side of the room towards another cage.

The cage she was reaching to contained another troll, who reached his hand out back for her.

"You guys are soooooooo sweet. _I,_ however, want to get out of here, so take me with you, Dave." said Vriska, reaching her hand out.

"Well, that's two." said Dave.

"Who's the first?' asked Feferi. 

"Terezi, naturally." Vriska said, glaring down at Terezi. Terezi just smiled.

"Naturally." replied Dave. "Come on, give me your hands." 

 

Terezi grabbed Dave's leg, while Vriska took hold of Dave's finger. Dave reached into his bag and pulled out one of his turntables, balancing it on the top of his hand as he tried to get everything together. Once he was sure he still had full capability of the turntables, he spun it backwards, travelling Vriska and Terezi back into the time before this place existed. He went so far back that the three of them were standing on a lump of rock. Terezi flapped her dragon wings onto Dave's shoulder, and Vriska grabbed on to Dave's arm.

Looking at them, Dave guessed that they were only about 6 years old, at least. 

 

"Mm, coolkid smell. Ooh, it smells nice!" said Terezi. "You smell like strawberry shortcake."

 

Dave, unresponsive, spun his turntable forwards in time back to the room. Dave's strategy had worked. Terezi and Vriska were out of their cages. 

 

"Who's next?" Dave asked.

 

Karkat pinched onto Dave's trousers and pulled at them, annoyed.

 

"Hey, asswad. I want to get out of here, too." Karkat said.

"Rest assured, Karkat. You can go." said Dave.

 

He twisted the turntable back, and waited for Karkat to fully settle into a comfortable position before twisting it forwards.

Karkat sat on the floor, staring at Dave. 

 

"What now?" asked Terezi.

 

A vibration sounded from his bag, and Dave retrieved his phone with a little help from a troll on his shoulder.

 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: dave.

EB: dave!

TG: what jesus

TG: i am busy here doing an assignment

EB: bullshit!

EB: your people have sent me to find you!

TG: shit

TG: then what was i doing this whole time

TG: some secret assignment?

EB: dunno. maybe you're right, though.

TG: probably

TG: always am right anyway

EB: egoistic bastard.

TG: so you probably want to know where i am

EB: thanks, sherlock.

TG: ill meet you in your room

TG: i have something to show you

EB: fine, i guess. as long as you return to work later.

TG: you know i will sweetie

EB: you can fuck right off.

TG: see you then

EB: bye, dumbass.

EB: <>

TG: <>

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

 

"I didn't know you and John were moirails." whined Vriska.

"Oh, so you know John?" asked Dave. 

"Yeah, Egbert is sometimes just outside." Karkat said. "He makes so much noise, especially if he's along with Harley." 

"I like John!" Vriska shot back.

"Well, let's go see him, then." laughed Dave. 

 

He bundled the trolls he had rescued up into his bag.

 

"I'll come back for you." Dave said at the door before leaving, hefting his backpack over his shoulder carefully. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternatively, this chapter could be called: Alpha Pumpkin.


	5. A Derp Meets Some Trolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternatively: 'John, what are you doing.'
> 
> Thanks for all the hits, everybody! I'm really pleased!  
> Sorry if it's going a little slow, but I'm trying to get everything into place before any of the pairings start.  
> We did have a little pale Hammertime, though, and definitely pale Nepquius.

Dave entered his and John's common room. Half the room was filled with shitty movies, and the other half with plush rumps.

He could hear moaning come from his room, and he suddenly regretted giving Dirk his key. His room'd be a mess when they were done with it. _**Never again.**_

Crossing the room to John's door, he rapped on the door lightly.

John opened it and held out his hand.

 

"Money." he said. "You owe me."

"You owe _me_ , Egbert." Dave said, but he reluctantly handed John five dollars anyway. 

"Get in here, Strider." John said, rolling his eyes. 

 

Dave stepped past John, who closed the door behind him. 

Dave was always amazed by John's room. Everything he owned floated, even if it was just a few inches off the ground. It was coloured with bright blues and light blues and probably every shade of blue that existed.

John was a painter, and John had always said he painted with the colours of the wind, which seemed to be mostly blues. John only painted half of the time. His actual job was as a Hero of Breath. He kept the town cool during heat rushes with the power of the Breeze. 

Dave had still no idea what the Breeze was, and whenever he asked, John would just blow a lock of hair away from Dave's face with a flick of his fingers and say it was magic in a technical world.

Dave sat down on one of John's beanbags, and it sagged a little under the combined weight of him and the trolls.

As he took out his turntables, John groaned.

 

"Don't tell me, you want to show me something from your 'assignment'?" he said.

 

Dave only smiled and emptied the rest of his bag onto the floor.

Karkat, Terezi and Vriska tumbled onto the floor, and the beanbag shot up.

John crashed to the floor along with them, wrinkling his sci-suit. 

John's sci-suit was always wrinkled in some place, even though sci-suits were made to be critically smooth. They were so smooth, it almost seemed like they were made of metal. They stuck to your skin like glue, and only came out with contact to water. It made no sense at all, but all the males had a really hard time trying to pee at first. 

The colors of your sci-suit changed based on what you do, like John's was blue, and Dave's was red.

 

"What are you?" John asked, reaching out a hand to Karkat, who snapped his pincers at John's glove. 

"Don't touch me, Egbert." Karkat said, and shuffled back from John.

"Hey! You ruined my gloves!" John said. "Get back here, kid!"

 

Dave wondered why Karkat looked so much older than Terezi and Vriska for a moment, watching as John chased Karkat, causing chaos to rise in the room. 

 

"I got you, you little-!" shouted John, tackling Karkat to the floor. 

 

Karkat tripped, and crashed onto the floor, and John grabbed his shoulders, his face red with anger.

 

"Are you going to fuck him?" called Terezi, and John let go, crashing to the floor next to Karkat.

"What the fuck?! We just fucking met, Pyrope!" shouted Karkat.

"Kismesises at first sight." crooned Vriska.

"How do you two know about this already?!" Karkat said, standing up to apprehend him. "You are too young!"

"Like you're older." said Terezi, sticking her tongue out. 

"I am older! I am six sweeps old!"

"Kids, kids." Dave said, sliding off of the beanbag. "Calm down. What are you talking about?"

"I don't fucking want to get into this right now, asswipe!" Karkat said, going over to John. "You are a fucker, Dave, you're an asswipe, but I can handle you. You have to be my lusus."

"I'm assuming lusus is parent." said Dave.

 

When Karkat nodded, Dave grimaced, biting his lip.

 

"I'm not a good parent. My own little brother is gay and fucking his boyfriend all night."

"It's either you or him, and to be honest, I fucking hate Egbert." Karkat said.

"I'd have to agree." said Dave, smirking.

"I like you, John." Vriska said, patting his face.

"Thanks. What's your name?" John said, ruffling Vriska's hair.

"I'm Vriska! Vriska Serket!" said Vriska, clapping excitedly. 

"John, don't trust her, she's a huge bitch!" warned Terezi, who ended up fluttering back to Dave and grabbing onto his trouser leg. "Can you be my lusus?"

"I don't know, can two trolls have the same lusus?" Dave asked, turning to Karkat.

"Nope. I got him first, keep away." hissed Karkat, clicking his pincers at Terezi.

"Girls, don't fight." Dave said. "I know another coolkid who might not mind taking you in."

"Dave, I don't think that's the best idea." John said as Dave opened his door.

"Don't worry, Egbert. Take care of Serket."

"Now, don't be too bad of a cockblock, okay?"

Dave scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, John." he said. "Pale for you."

"Pale for you." John replied, and Dave shuffled Terezi through before closing the door.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: im coming in

TG: hide your junk

TG: or whatever you guys do

TT: Bro, don't you dare come in right now.

TG: hide yo wife

TG: or at least dress him

TG: i do not want to see englishs dick

TT: And you never will.

TG: anyway though kid

TG: get your junk hidden theres people here

TT: Seriously? You brought people back to your room?

TG: so

TG: a kid needs a home

TG: or rather

TG: a troll needs a home

TG: she wants to be a coolkid

TT: ...

TT: Give me one second.

 

The door opened, and Dirk stepped out into the light, blinking intensely in the light.

"Terezi, meet your human lusus, Dirk. Dirk, no sex around Terezi." Terezi waved at Dirk, and Dirk waved back sluggishly. 

"Hi, Terezi. What's up?" Dirk asked, and Terezi flew up to his shoulder.

"I heard you have a boyfriend. Let me meet him." Terezi said before flying inside.

"No, Terezi-shit! Don't lick that!" Dirk said, slamming the door.

"EW! It tastes like salt and cream!"

"Have fun, Dirk!" Dave called over the ruckus in the room. 

 

Turning to Karkat, Dave stared at him for a few moments, before nodding.

 

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to eat this human food called ice-cream."

"Fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me tell you a little bit about trolls in this AU.
> 
> Trolls look like normal humans, unless you cut them.  
> Then they bleed differently colored blood.  
> The transmutated trolls have aspects of animals about them. For the Beta trolls, I based them mostly on their lusii.


	6. Strawberry Ice Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaah, you people are so nice!!!!!  
> I feel this chapter goes really slowly. I'll retcon it when it's morning.

"Karkat."

"What-mphhh."

 

Dave took the tub of strawberry ice-cream from the smaller troll and glared at him.

 

"You're making a fuck of a mess on the common room floor."

"Dick."

"Asswipe."

"Bulgelicker."

"Nooksucker."

"Palewhore."

"Groinhumper."

"Fuck you. Give me the ice-cream."

 

Dave held it at arm's length, and Karkat tried to snap at it.

 

"Eat with a spoon, and I'll give it to you." Dave said.

"Fuck you and your extendable spirit fingers." Karkat replied, crossing his arms.

"Don't you wish you had a thumb like me." Dave mocked, placing the ice-cream in the fridge. "We have a visitor coming, you know."

"Yeah?" Karkat groaned, leaning back and almost crashing to the floor. "Who's the guy?"

"His name's Kankri."

"Oh shit."

"What, you know him?"

 

Karkat's face only grew red, and he looked so mad that Dave thought steam might shoot out of his ears. And hell, it almost might have if that was even possible.

 

"Of course I know him. He's the media face of every fucking social justice blogger I've ever fucking seen." he said. "And what makes it worse is that Kankri's my brother."

"Damn." Dave said, pushing his turntables to the side of the room. "I have to admit, that does suck balls."

"What the fuck are balls, Strider?"

"They're human testicles."

"I did not have to know that."

"You asked."

 

Dave looked up at the wall and checked the time on the holo-clock. He frowned.

 

"Shit, it's almost time." he said, and stood up.

"Why is he coming over anyway?" mumbled Karkat.

"He's coming to discuss about my lack of being at work." Dave said, shuffling some of his clutter out of the way.

"Oh, so Kankri's your superior?" asked Karkat as Dave rearranged some sofas with a click of a button.

"Yeah, he is. Sucks, I know." Dave said, skidding into one of the couches. "Dude, get out of this place. What if he sees you?"

 

Karkat brought over Dave's bag with his pincers and sat inside of it.

 

"I'll be here." Karkat said, and then pulled the backpack's cover up.

 

A quiet knock sounded, and then grew more intense as Dave shambled over to unlock the door.

It swung open, and a troll with a brown sci-suit stepped inside, followed by another with a yellow suit.

 

"Hello, Dave." the first troll greeted him politely before sitting down.

"What's up, Strider?" asked the second, slicking his hair back. 

"Kankri. Cronus." Dave replied in kind. "Thanks for coming, or whatever."

"Yeah, fuck you too, Strider." said Cronus.

 

Kankri made haste in hitting him. 

 

"Trigger warning, swear words! What did you say to me before you came?" Kankri said. grabbing Cronus' ear.

"I said I wouldn't swear, Kankri." Cronus replied monotonously.

"And what did you just do?!"

"I swore, Kankri."

"Good, and now promise to never swear again!"

 

Kankri Vantas was a Hero of Blood, and he's in charge of healing along with the Heroes of Life. Kankri also ran the Time-Travel Department, and gave out assignments and time zones to go to. Kankri also blogged part time, and most of the time, Kankri wrote about social justice.

Cronus Ampora was a Hero of Hope, and he's based in encouragement of all the workers. He's allowed anywhere at anytime, and he's always there to help motivate people. Unfortunately, it makes him quite arrogant.

But to be honest, Dave never really liked Cronus that much. He was, most of the time, a self absorbed asshole.

 

"But babe, I-"

"What else did I say, Cronus? Do you know how womanly it seems when you call me that-that derogatory name! Cronus Ampora, I swear to God, that name will be the death of you one day. Do you know how womanly it is to be called a name designated for women? And as much as women and men may be equal, I still do not like to be called by that name, as much as you may say that it's 'cute' and 'endearing' but frankly I -"

 

Giggles came from Dave's bag, and everyone turned their attention towards it.

Dave flipped the cover open to reveal Karkat, almost doubled over with laughter.

 

"Oh my fucking God, Ampora. I have never been so amused by your fucking idiocy!" Karkat shouted out through his laughter. "And I thought  _I_ was bad!"

"No, I'd have to admit. You're worse, Karkat." Dave said, looking from Kankri to Karkat.

"Fuck you, Strider. Fuck you." Karkat said, poking Dave with his pincers.

"Karkat Vantas, is that you?" Kankri said, whipping out a pair of red-rimmed spectacles. "I haven't seen you in 6 sweeps! Where have you been? We've been looking everywhere for you, and as far as we knew, you should've been at home for ages now, and we had no idea, we were so worried - "

"Shut up, Kankri. Where was I? Hmm, let me see. Oh yes. Kidnapping, surgery, transmutation." Karkat said, faking a smile. "Yup, that's what I've been doing."

"Transmutation?" Kankri asked, inspecting Karkat's pincers. "How can this be! It's immoral, it's rude, and totally against the will of the troll!" 

"Exactly, and now why didn't  _you_ do anything about it?" Karkat replied.

"Hey, hey, chief. He's tried, okay? He's tried so hard that he was shouting at the computer for days on end!" Cronus said. "So far, you're the only twelve that have been transmutated like this because of  _his_ efforts!"

"There are twelve mutated trolls in this building. Three are alive and living where they should be. Nine are inside being experimented on. If it wasn't for  _this_ asshole-" Karkat pointed vaguely at Dave. "-us three wouldn't have escaped at all!"

"You mean there's more of you?" Kankri asked, and Karkat nodded firmly.

"Yeah. Terezi and Vriska."

"Aranea and Latula." said Kankri. "Dave, you're off the hook. Go and save as many more trolls as you can! I'll go alert the higher board!"

"No, you can't tell anybody!" Karkat said, even before Kankri was half out of the door. "If they find out you know, then they'll kill us all!"

"Who's they?" Kankri asked, and Karkat almost threw one of Dave's turntables at him.

"Higher order, of course!" Karkat said. "Look, you two go do what you want to do. I want to finish my goddamned strawberry ice-cream."

 

Kankri and Cronus left in a hurry, and Dave snuck a look at Karkat.

 

"Well? Shall we continue?" Karkat asked.

"Where were we, princess?" Dave asked, taking the strawberry ice cream tub from the fridge.

"Con Air and ice-cream." 

"That is a fucking  _stupid_ movie."

"Doesn't matter. You're still watching it."

 

The two settled in front of the viewing machine and watched the show, completely ignoring the fact there was a ruckus dancing about in their heads.


	7. How To Be A Coolkid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dirk Strider is an intermission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woaaaaaaah. So many hits! Thank you thank you thank youuuuuuuu~
> 
> :D
> 
> (I'll probably retcon this later.)

"Terezi, come on." Dirk placed his hands on his hips as the young dragon troll landed on top of his katana.

"What's this? It smells like Japanese things and cheap metal." Terezi said, licking it. "Ewww. It tastes like steel."

"Um, Strider?" asked Jake, raising his hand slowly. "What are we going to do with the troll?"

"She wants to be a coolkid, right?" asked Dirk. "I am going to teach her to be a coolkid."

"Seriously?!" Terezi shouted, flying up into the air. "I want to be a coolkid!"

 

Dirk stood up, kicking one of Dave's beanbags to the side to make room for the 'lesson' of sorts.

 

"Right, so the first thing you need to know about being a coolkid is that you have to have sunglasses." said Dirk. "Terezi, look here."

 

Terezi looked up at Dirk, and he saw that her eyes had some kind of white film covering them. Dirk bit his lip, and then nodded.

 

"Try this pair." Dirk removed his sunglasses and placed them on Terezi.

"Am I cool yet?" asked Terezi, and Dirk waved Jake over. 

"English, is Terezi cool yet?" Dirk asked.

"I don't know, Strider. I don't think he is just yet." said Jake. 

 

Dirk took off the sunglasses and pulled out a holo-measure. Taking a moment, he measured Terezi's face and scribbled the measurements onto a pad of paper. Jake often scolded him for using paper instead of holo-material - it wasn't as neat.

 

"Hey, hey Dirk." she said. "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your face so I can make you a pair of sunglasses. You see?"

 

Dirk slid over to Dave's printer. He keyed in the measurements, and then keyed in what kind of thing he wanted, and then pressed print.

 

"While that prints, I'll tell you tip two of how to be a coolkid." said Dirk. "Tip two. You've got to have a cool weapon."

"A cool weapon?" Terezi said, cocking her head to the side. "Like what?"

"Oh, I can help with this!" Jake said, pulling out his Old Earth pistol. "This is a pistol. You shoot with it."

"That sounds pretty cool." Terezi admitted, smiling. "Dirk, what do you have?"

"I've got a katana. It's shitty as hell, but Dave said he went back to Oriental times to get it for me." Dirk said. "What do you want?"

"Rapier!" Terezi said, clapping. "Rapiers are the coolest thing to ever exist!"

 

Dirk and Jake exchanged looks and the printer beeped. Brightly, Jake went to retrieve the sunglasses and popped them on Terezi's head.

 

"Here you go, Terezi. Don't you look mighty fine!" he said.

 

Dirk kissed Jake on the cheek affectionately and turned to Terezi.

 

"Rapier, right?" he asked.

"Yeah!"

"Let me just go see if one of my friends has a rapier." said Dirk, pulling out his phone.

 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering grandCoolmistress [GC]

TT: Yo, Latula.

GC: h3y d1rk! wh4ts up, coolk1d?

TT: What is with Pyropes and their tendencies to call me a coolkid?

GC: dud3, th3r3s only on3 pyrop3 1n th1s pl4c3!!!

TT: I'd deny that.

TT: Anyway, I was pestering to find out if you had any rapiers?

GC: w41t on3 s3cond, d1rk...

 

"Who are you talking to?" asked Terezi, and Dirk held up his phone.

"Latula Pyrope."

"Tula?!" shouted Terezi, falling back onto the floor. "I haven't seen Tula in sweeps!"

 

GC: 1 dont h4v3 4 r4p13r, but 1 h4v3 4 c4n3 w1th 4 bl4d3, you w4nt th4t 1nst34d?

TT: Price?

TT: Please tell me it's better.

GC: 150 doll4rs, 3v3n wh3n d1scount3d for on3 of my f4vor1t3 custom3rs! <3

 

Oh God, that was a big price at this time and age. It was almost all of Dirk's savings, and Dirk was saving up his money to take Jake on a sweet date.

He motioned Jake outside, and the two went into the bathroom.

 

"Jake, I have some bad news and good news." Dirk said.

"What could it possibly be, Strider?"

"Latula has something that's good, but it's expensive."

"How much?"

"150 dollars."

"Oh my, that's all you have, Dirk."

"I was saving up to take you on a date, too..."

"Use it."

 

Dirk blinked at Jake.

 

"You sure, I mean...we haven't done anything nice in a while..." Dirk said.

"Dirk, Dirk, Dirk." Jake tutted. "And you call me socially awkward. A date is when you make memories with someone you love. I love you, don't I? We're making memories here, with Terezi."

 

Dirk smiled, and kissed Jake lightly.

 

"Thanks, English."

 

TT: That's fine, 'Tula. Thanks.

GC: 1ll com3 by 4nd p4ss th3m ov3r?

TT: Sweet. Thanks, Pyrope.

GC: s33 y4 soon, coolk1d!!

grandCoolmistress [GC] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

Dirk and Jake exited the bathroom, and Terezi floated in the air to them.

 

"Well? What did 'Tula say? What did 'Tula say?" she said.

"She said she had something really cool for us, and that she'd come by later and pass it over to us." Dirk said.

 

The doorbell rang. Dirk did not get it at first, and the three waited in silence as the person outside knocked.

 

"Speak of the devil." Jake said after a while, and opened the door. "Hi, Miss Pyrope."

"Hey, Jake, what's up, dude?" Latula Pyrope said, taking Jake into a hug. Dirk's cool features hardened slightly. "I brought yo-"

"'Tula!" shouted Terezi, and tackled Latula to the floor.

 

The cane crashed to the floor, and Dirk grabbed it before it could break.

 

"'Rezi?" Latula replied, surprised. "Holy shit, sis, where have you been?!"

"Check out these sweet wings!" said Terezi, flapping her wings expectantly.

"They're radical, Rezi!"

 

Dirk, meanwhile, had unsheathed the blade and was playing around with a holographic dummy, dismembering its body parts.

 

"Pyrope." Dirk greeted the other.

"Strider." Latula replied, giggling. "How long have you had Rezi?"

"Since yesterday. Bro rescued her and two other trolls." said Dirk, slicling the dummy's neck open. "This is a good quality weapon."

"Of course it is, Dirk! I always promise rad quality, don't I?" Latula said, sounding vaguely offended. 

 

Dirk reached into his pocket and handed Latula 150 dollars, and she took it with a smile.

 

"Nice doing business with you, Strider." she said.

"You too, Pyrope." said Dirk. 

 

Latula stood up, and Terezi grabbed onto Latula's neck.

 

"I'll see you soon, Rezi. Promise, okay?" said Latula, ruffling Terezi's hair. 

 

Terezi was reluctant to let go of Latula, but Latula managed to convince her with a promise to bring candy next time. When Latula was gone, Dirk showed Terezi the cane.

 

"Here's a cane." Dirk said, and Terezi took the cane into her hands.

 

With a practiced air Dirk only knew how to describe as first instinct, Terezi unsheathed the blade with one smooth motion.

 

"This is mine, you know." Terezi said. 

"Jake, boot up a holo-dummy." said Dirk, and Jake nodded before starting up a program.

"Terezi, there will be five enemies in this room. You need to identify them and kill them for justice. You will be blind folded." said Dirk. "Consider this your cool exam. Your exam on the subject of cool."

"No need for a blindfold, I am already blind." said Terezi. holding the blade at her side. "I'm ready."

 

Dirk sighed, nodded to Jake, and the dummies booted up.

Terezi knelt down and pressed her free hand to the floor. A whole minute passed, and Terezi jumped up and immediately decapitated the first dummy.

Swinging the blade, she plunged it into the second dummy, and stretched it out to slam the third to the floor. While the third was down, she sliced the fourth's neck before looping the blade into the third's neck.

When she reached the fourth dummy, she flipped a coin. 

 

"If it lands heads, you're free to go." Terezi said, and the dummy froze. The coin dropped to the floor. Heads.

"Terezi, you've got to let him go now." Jake said. "The coin landed on heads."

"What coin? Do you forget I'm blind?" Terezi said, and decapitated the fifth dummy.

"Pass." Dirk said. "Motherfucking pass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: Latula sells antique weapons and hoverboards, because she's cool like that.


	8. Spiders 808

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone else learns about spiders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that this is chapter eight, and we're doing Spiders 808.

Vriska climbed into John's lap and elbowed him.

 

"Hey, John. John, do you want to know about spiders?" Vriska asked, and John internally shuddered. He didn't like spiders, honestly, but for Vriska, he put on a grin and nodded. 

"Yeah, sure. Teach me about spiders, Vriska." he said.

Vriska almost jumped into the air at this. "Let me tell you about my favorite spider! It's called the black widow!"

"Okay, that doesn't sound too bad. What's the black widow like?" John said, wondering whether this was a good idea.

"A black widow spider's venom is up to 15 times stronger than a rattlesnake's!" Vriska said, grinning. "I was mutated with a black widow spider, you know!"

 

 _Mental note to self_ _._ John thought, shuddering.  _Never, ever let Vriska bite_ you.

 

"Don't worry John, black widow bites aren't fatal to older humans, unless you're a kid. And you're suuuuuuuuch a kid, John!" Vriska laughed. "They don't bite unless threatened, so remind yourself to never piss me off!"

 

 _Never piss Vriska off._  

 

"Apparently, black widow spiders kill, and eat, their male counterparts after mating with them!" Vriska said.

 

John wondered why she sounded so happy about what she was saying.

 

"When they kill insects, their normal choice of prey, they put enzymes into the body and melt them into a liquid." Vriska ranted, pacing back and forth. "Then they just suck it up! Ta dah! No mess!"

"How can you say that liquid doesn't make a mess, though?" asked John, and Vriska laughed, undaunted. 

"They use a straw, so they suck up everything! Duh, John!" Vriska said. "It's soooooooo obvious!"

"Oh, right, yes. Sorry. Keep going." John said, smiling.

"Thank you!" Vriska said. "Black widows can live for one to three years in the wild, and are carnivores! But that's obvious, too! People have been trying to incorporate the venom of the black widow into robotic spiders, you know."

"Yeah?" asked John, and Vriska nodded.

"But of course they won't accomplish it." she said. "It's impossible to ever duplicate a black widow's venom!"

 

John's phone vibrated, and he reached back to check it.

 

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

GG: hi john!!

EB: hey, jade.

GG: how are things on alternia mark 2?

EB: first of all, it's alternia mark ii, and things are going pretty well!

EB: the town seems to be heating up, though. we need a lot more heroes of wind!

EB: how are things on beforus?

GG: uh, not so good.

EB: what's wrong?

GG: rose has caught a really bad disease.

EB: WHAT? what happened to her?!

GG: i dont know, john!!!!

GG: one moment we were standing around, playing with the trolls, when roses skin suddenly went all grey and she passed out!

EB: where is she? is she okay?

GG: shes in the infirmary ward, and she seems to be doing well.

GG: remember aranea?

EB: is it that troll you told me about yesterday?

GG: yes, aranea serket!

 

"Aranea Serket?" Vriska asked, clawing her way onto John's shoulder. "John, John! Say I said hi!"

 

EB: tell aranea that vriska says hi, by the way.

GG: okay! but back to the subject!

GG: aranea has diagnosed rose with a case of this thing called 'grimdarkness'.

 

Vriska fell off John's shoulder with a yelp.

"Grimdarkness?" she shouted. "Get Aranea on! Get Aranea on!"

 

EB: um, do you have aranea's chumhandle?

GG: one moment.

GG: its advisorygalleria.

EB: thanks!!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG].

 

John opened up another pesterchum tab and quickly hovered out the chumHandle.

 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering advisoryGalleria [AG]

AG: Oh, hello. I don't 8elieve I know you.

EB: yes, sorry. i'm john, a friend of jade?

AG: Ah, yes. She speaks of you often, John.

EB: does she?

AG: Yes.

EB: oh, but! you told jade that you diagnosed rose with 'grimdarkness'?

AG: Do you want to know what grimdarkness is?

EB: Yes!!!!!!!!

AG: You remind me of someone that I used to know.

EB: 8ecause I am!! I've taken John's phone!

EB: Now hurry up and tell us!!!!!!!!!

 

"Vriska, you should really get your own phone." said John, crossing his arms.

"Whatever!" Vriska replied, annoyed.

 

AG: Well, it has 8een a long time, Vriska, but I suppose this isn't the time to talk a8out the fact you disappeared.

EB: No, it isn't, 8ecause this is the time to talk about Rose!!!!!!!!

EB: Wh8t happ8ned to h8r????????

AG: I thought you knew a8out grimdarkness?

EB: I do, 8ut he doesn't!

AG: Let me explain.

AG: Grimdark. It's a troll disease, actually, spread through physical and mental harm 8y a troll with the disease. The first person who had the disease was a violet blooded troll 8y the name of Triana Rexeru, who was in contact with the horrorterrors.

EB: who is triana rexeru?

AG: She used to 8e a famous seer, and was known all over the world for her insights in the future. She, actually, had a crystal 8all that answered all of your questions, no matter how lame or low-r8 they were.

AG: And then one day, a human called Doc Scratch came 8y her stall and asked whether the horrorterrors were dangerous.

AG: After Triana saw the answer, she freaked out, smashing the 8all on the floor and went on a massacre.

AG: Almost fifteen hundred trolls died on that horrific day.

AG: The legislators caught her, f8fully, and she's in jail to this day, 8ut not 8efore she passed the disease onto one of her friends, Nefrit Zhadei.

AG: This is the first instance of the disease being transmitted to a human.

EB: what happened to nefrit zhadei?

AG: We don't know.

EB: so nefrit might've passed the disease onto rose?!

AG: Yes.

EB: oh.

EB: how do you cure the disease?

AG: We're trying our hardest, 8ut the thing is we don't know how to.

EB: thank you for trying, aranea.

AG: Thank you, John. See you soon, Vriska.

EB: Whatever, Aranea! ::::D

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering advisoryGalleria [AG]

 

"Are you okay, John?" asked Vriska.

"As long as Rose get better, I'll be fine." said John.

"The black widows wish you the best of luck, too, John." said Vriska, patting him lightly.

"Thanks, Vriska."

 

_We're going to need a lot of luck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alpha Trolls (Whom we Know) Chumhandles  
> KANKRI: censoriallyGilded  
> DAMARA: adventitiousAegean  
> MEULIN: activelyCallable  
> LATULA: grandCoolmistress  
> ARANEA: advisoryGalleria  
> CRONUS: chieflyAbysmal


	9. Assignment After Assignment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we view Kankri's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say but thank you!

Kankri leant back in his chair, almost spinning away from his console.

 

"Babe." said Cronus, lowering his virtual magazine. "What are you doing?"

"I'm  _bored_ , Cronus." Kankri replied. "No one's been needing anything done so far, it's boring sitting around doing nothing. And you wouldn't like me when I'm doing nothing."

"You can say that again. Seriously, babe, no one is injured or anything?" Cronus asked, and Kankri shook his head. "Seriously? At least one person is injured per day."

"I  _know_ that, Cronus. They don't need me today." 

"I need you, Kankri."

"You're sweet."

The console beeped, and Kankri turned to it.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering censoriallyGilded [CG]

TG: hey kankri

CG: Yes, Dave, h9w may I help y9u?

TG: save me

CG: Are y9u currently in y9ur 9ffice?

TG: yeah

CG: Are y9u implying y9u need an assignment?

TG: yes

CG: Why?

TG: damara is triggering me okay

TG: shes freaking me out

TG: she keeps fucking staring at me

TG: like im some sort of animal

 

"What's up, babe?" Cronus asked.

"Dave needs an assignment sent out to him." Kankri replied, tearing a paper from his virtual notepad.

"Why?"

"Damara's triggering him."

 

Cronus' attention returned to his magazine without another word, and Kankri swore he heard a growl. He smiled to himself. He looked back to his paper, and wrote down an assignment for Dave.

 

_Knight of Time,_

_Under official assignment, you are hereby commanded to go and save some little trolls._

_  
_"Hey, Kankri. If you're going to send Strider to save trolls, tell him to see if there's a troll called Eridan." Cronus said, lowering his magazine again.

 

_Also, check if there's a troll there called Eridan Ampora._

_  
_He swiped the note across the desk towards his contacts, and it fell into Dave's paper wastebasket.

 

"Babe."

 

Kankri turned to Cronus, and Cronus had captured his lips into a kiss.

A moment passed, and Kankri pulled away, his cheeks a bright shade of red. Cronus' own face was a shade of dark purple, and Kankri put his hand to his lips.

 

"Cronus, what was that for?" he asked.

"You know I don't appreciate you caring for others more than me." mumbled Cronus, shuffling from right to left.

"Were you triggered by my care for Dave?" Kankri asked, patting Cronus' cheek affectionately. "I'm red for you, okay?"

"Not triggered  _per se_ , babe..."

"Jealous?"

"...Yeah."

 

Kankri always thought of Cronus as cute (when he wasn't being triggering or an ass or flirty), and this was one of the times where it showed.

He leaned forward and kissed him again, ruffling his hair.

 

"Oh shut up, Cronus." he said.

"Babe?"

"Yes, Cronus?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

 

(Later, a very happy troll would make a post on her Tumblr blog about her feelings, and it would go a little like this:

activelyCallable

 (^-人-^) < YAAAAAAAY! CA FIIIINALLY TOLD CG HE CARED FUR HIM!! THIS IS A TIME OF REJOICE AND PURRTY! THEY'VE BEEN AVOIDING THE BEAUTIFUL PHRASE FUR WEEKS!! AND NOW THEY'VE FIIINALLY SAID IT! PURRTY EVFURRYBODY!!

 

EFURRYONE'S INVITED!!!)

* * *

Meanwhile, Dave was off trying to save trolls.

 

"Hey, guys, I've got a question." he said as he pressed his hand to Sollux's. "Is there a guy called Eridan Ampora here?"

"That's me." called someone at the tanks. 

 

Dave twisted his turntables backwards, settled Sollux on his shoulder, and turned it back to the time earlier.

 

"Yeah?" Dave said, unceremoniously dropping Sollux to the floor. "You're coming too, then." 

"I can't breathe, asshole." said Eridan (the troll Dave knew as Eri-fin). "You'd have to get me a tank."

"Easier said than done." Dave said, and set a location on his turntables. 

 

Turning them backwards, he found himself in a place full of water-filled tanks, and a buzzing creeping up his ear. Shit. He'd forgotten that he had worked here before, and as the storage room door opened, he stared at himself. 

Past Dave almost dropped the tank he was carrying.

 

"Hey, future me." he said once he had regained his composure.

 

Really though, Past Dave should've gotten used to this by now. Future selves always came by to say hi.

 

"'Sup, past me." his future self said, inspecting a tank.

"What do you want?" asked Past Dave, and Future Dave shrugged.

"Do you have anything for a small shark?" he asked, and Past Dave pointed out a huge tank on the shelf. Future Dave pulled out a gun and shot at it, shrinking it.

"That's pretty cool technology." said Past Dave, and Future Dave smirked at him.

 

He reached into his satchel and tossed Past Dave another shrink ray gun.

 

"Guard that with your life, alright, kid? It's gonna be very important." Future Dave said, throwing the tank in his bag and pulling out his turntables. 

"You got it." Past Dave replied, and Future Dave grinned and disappeared.

 

Once back in the Transmutation Center, Dave took out the tank and made it bigger again.

Sollux buzzed around him.

 

"DV." he said. "DV, you're not telling me you're actually going to save ED?"

"Cronus' orders." Dave said, and opened up the hatch on the top of the lid. "Eridan."

 

Eridan swam to the top, and Dave noticed a dorsal fin and gills. He touched his hand to Eridan's head and used his free hand to twist the turntables.

Backward, forward, and a flopping Eridan was in his arms. Dave dunked him unceremoniously into the tank.

 

"I've got to go now. I'm going to donate Sollux to Mituna, and Cronus can have you back, Eridan." he said. Eridan glubbed angrily, and Dave shrunk the tank to a workable size.

"Come on, Sollux. I'll come back, I swear." said Dave as he left.

"We know, Dave. We know." Nepeta said, smiling. "Don't worry! We can wait."

 

The door shut behind him.


	10. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat Vantas finds himself falling for Dave Strider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Davekat? Davekat. I hope you like this chapter! 
> 
> (and i hope i'm not making them terribly ooc...)

"Hey, Karkat. I'm back."

Karkat looked up from the television to see Dave walk inside, carrying Sollux in his arms and a small tank in the other.

"You're late, asswipe." Karkat said. "I started watching television without you."

 

It was a tradition Karkat and Dave had started. Dave came back before seven to watch television with Karkat, who was normally at home these days. They'd been following this schedule without fail until today, and Karkat was sort of disappointed.

Not that it  _really_ bothered him.

...

Fuck, who was he kidding. He was bothered as hell, and he didn't know why it bothered him so much.

 

"Sorry, Vantas. Had to go save more of these guys." Dave said, dropping Sollux on the floor.

"KK." Sollux greeted, and Karkat glared at him.

"Captor." Karkat said. "I'm assuming that's Ampora?"

"Yup." Dave said, setting the tank down. "What are we watching?"

"Rom-com." Karkat said, turning his attention back to the television. "I also picked."

"Of course you did, KK." said Sollux. "From what I get, it doesn't seem like Dave is the type to watch rom-coms."

"Shut up, Captor." Karkat replied.

"Don't worry, Vantas. The respective owners will come by." Dave said, ruffling Karkat's hair.

 

Oh, that was nice.

Wait what.

That was stupid and Karkat totally didn't like it nope nope nope nope.

Karkat jerked away, crossing his arms.

 

"What?" Dave asked, grinning, and Karkat growled underneath his breath.

"Fuck you, Strider." he said, and Sollux started to laugh.

"What am I missing out, here?" Dave said, confused, and Sollux just started laughing even harder.

"Shut up, Captor! I will fucking murder you!" shouted Karkat, charging at Sollux. "Fuck you and your stupid fucking spirit fingers!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Eridan shouted, jumping out of his tank. "Mine!"

"Fuck you all!" Karkat screeched before settling back down onto the couch without another word.

"Vantas?" Dave asked, turning to glance at Karkat.

 

_Don't fucking look at me like that, Strider. I'm thinking, and your stupid face is distracting me._

Karkat was buzzing up inside, fury punctuating the balloons of pink haze covering his eyes.

_Pink haze? What the fu-_

_Oh. Shit._

_  
_"I need to go. Where the fuck is your load gaper?"

 

It took Dave a moment to translate that in his head, and then he pointed to a door on the side of the room. 

Karkat got off the couch and charged to the toilet.

Once he was inside, he slammed the door and locked it.

 

_What am I doing? What am I doing?!_

_What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck is the pink haze affecting me?_

A famous troll legend is that once you fall in love, you have this pink haze falling over your eyes, and it doesn't stop until you either stop your love for them, or if he/she reciprocrates. 

_It can't be! It can't fucking be._

_  
_His phone beeped. It was a grey model, one that Dave had made for him using his printer.

 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GC: K4RKL3S, 1 4M H34R1NG TH3 COMMOT1ON FROM 1NS1D3 D1RK'S ROOM.

GC: WH4T'S GO1NG ON?

CG: TEREZI, THIS IS A MOMENT OF INFINITE FUCKING PANIC.

CG: ALSO, HOW THE *FUCK* DID YOU GET PESTERCHUM?

GC: M4G1C. 

GC: DUH.

GC: BUT WH4T'S WRONG, K4RKL3S?

CG: I HAVE THE PINK HAZE.

GC: OH SH1T.

GC: FOR WHO?

CG: I DON'T KNOW!

GC: WH3N D1D 1T ST4RT?

CG: JUST NOW.

CG: I MIGHT KNOW WHO IT IS, BUT I'M REFUSING TO ACCEPT IT.

GC: D4V3?

CG: YES.

GC: DO3S H3 KNOW?

CG: NO.

CG: BUT CAPTOR'S HERE, AND HE SEES IT.

GC: OH, D4V3'S S4V3D C4PTOR?

CG: YES, BUT GET BACK TO THE FUCKING TOPIC.

GC: R1GHT, R1GHT. 

GC: C4PTOR W1LL T3LL D4V3.

GC: 1 TH1NK YOU H4V3 TO T4LK 4BOUT TH1S TO SOM3ON3...

CG: YOU'RE NOT SAYING...

GC: GO T4LK TO L4TUL4.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grandCoolmistress [GC]

CG: HEY, IT'S KARKAT.

GC: h3y, k4rk4t! wh4t's up?

CG: YOU'RE STILL DATING MITUNA, RIGHT?

GC: y34h, why?

CG: FIRST OF ALL, SOLLUX IS BACK.

GC: sw33t!!

CG: SECONDLY, I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH DAVE STRIDER, AND THAT SOLLUX WILL TELL.

CG: SO I *POLITELY* ASK THAT MITUNA GETS HIS ASS OVER HERE AND GETS SOLLUX.

CG: RIGHT NOW.

GC: on our w4y, coolk1d!

grandCoolmistress [GC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

Karkat unlocked the door and stepped out of the toilet, and Dave turned to stare at him.

 

"Hey, you took a while. The movie's almost over." he said.

"You can pick the next one, Strider." said Karkat, getting back onto the couch.

 

There was a knock at the door, and Dave got up to answer it.

Sollux scooched into Dave's place.

 

"The pink haze for Dave, huh?" Sollux whispered, and Karkat snapped his pincers. 

"You are not going to fucking tell him." Karkat said. "Or I will use these fucking pincers to tear out your fucking wings."

"Ow. Offensive, Karkat." Sollux said, and he peeked at the door. "Oh, it's 'Tula."

"Hi, Strider!" Latula said. "I heard you have a certain Captor with you?"

"Yeah." Dave said. "Sollux, get over here." 

 

Sollux winked at Karkat and flew over to the door. 

Once Sollux had left, Dave sat back down next to Karkat, and Karkat narrowed his eyes at him.

 

_Jealous? No._

_I'd never be jealous. I don't even fucking like him._

_Lie after fucking lie._


	11. Head over Heels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave Strider finds himself heads over heels for Karkat Vantas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Davekat for an enthusiastic DaveKat shipper.
> 
> You know who you are. Wink wonk.
> 
> EDIT: I made the chapter longer. It needed more reactions.

"Karkat, I really have to go." Dave said, knocking his fist against the toilet door. "You've been in there for an hour."

"Are you really that flustered?" Karkat said mockingly. "Use Dirk's load gaper."

"But he has lube in there..."

"You are such a fucking idiot."

The door opened, and Karkat stepped out of the toilet, angling his face away from Dave's.

"Oh my fucking God thank you."

"Whatever."

 

Dave charged inside the toilet and made quick use of his time.

 

_Huh. Never realized it, but I don't know why Karkat knows how to use the toilet._

_I mean, it doesn't look like he's been trained, but I-_

_No. Trained is a bad word. Karkat is not a dog._

_Fuck, why do I even care?_

 

He zipped his pants back up and flushed. Turning to the mirror, he observed the angles of his face with much curiousity.

 

_I wonder how I look to girls._

_Hell, I wonder if Karkat finds me attractive. Do trolls find people attractive based on their looks? Or is it some other weird thing I won't even pretend to understand?_

_Probably like us, though, based on looks._

_Karkat's pretty cute, I guess._

_For a troll. That Lejion girl has her eyes set on him, I can tell._

 

A small bubble of rage flew into Dave's mind, causing him to stumble in surprise.

 

_Woah, holy shit. What was that?_

_  
_A pounding on the door brought Dave back to his senses, and he splashed cold water on his face.

 

"Bro. Bro, I gotta go. I gotta go now."

 

Dave kicked the door open and stepped out, slightly amused.

 

"Go deal with your obvious swelling of the bone bulge, Dirk." Karkat called as Dirk rushed into the toilet, his face a flustered red.

 

The door locked shut, and Dave turned to Karkat.

 

_He's cute. He's really cute. Not in a girly sense, but cute._

_John might be 'no homo', but I'm actually not minding thinking about this._

_Eurgh, lesbian Rose is rubbing off on me._

"What?" Karkat asked. "Why the fuck are you staring at me like that?"

"What colour is your blood?" Dave asked, suddenly trying to make up an excuse for staring at Karkat.

"What the fuck, Dave?!" Karkat shouted. "Why the fuck are you asking me this?!"

"I'm curious, duh." Dave replied. "Is it a bad thing?"

"Yes, it's a fucking bad thing!" Karkat continued to shout. "I mean, it's fucking stupid to even _ask_ a troll what colour their blood is because it's so fucking obvious, and secondly, don't you fucking think that asking abo-"

"Shut up, Karkat."

 

Dave leant forward and kissed the ranting troll, slowing his ramble to a halt.

When he pulled away, Karkat turned a shade of bright red.

 

"Strider, what the fuck was that?!" he screeched, covering his face. "Why the fuck-what the-I-!"

"Did you know red's my favorite colour?" Dave said absentmindedly, and Karkat just turned redder.

"Yes, I fucking know red's your fucking favorite colour!" he screamed. "You wear the pungent brightness all the time!"

"Jesus fucking Christ, why are you so worked up?" asked Dave.

"I'm a mutant, okay? People don't have this blood color!"

 

Dave ran his hand through his hair before removing a switchblade Latula had sold him.

 

"Look."

He cut his palm, and showed Karkat the hand. Karkat shied away.

"Look, Karkat. Jesus." Dave said.

 

Karkat stared. 

 

"What the fuck?" he said.

"I have mutant candy blood too, okay, so calm your tits." Dave said, wiping the blood off on his sci-suit. He had to get that washed off later.

 

He looked back at Karkat, who seemed to be having an inner revelation. Karkat looked back up at him suddenly, his face turned into one of resolve, and then Dave noticed his pink-streaked eyes.

 

"What's up with your-"

 

Dave couldn't finish his sentence because a certain troll had him pinned up against the wall.

 

"These, Strider, are the eyes of a troll in love." Karkat said. "And I am in love with your stupid face."

"Good, I thought I was the only one."

Karkat hit him with his pincers. "Fuck you."

"You wish you could."

"Oh yeah, let's see how that goes."

 

(Later, a certain cool-troll would broadcast this news on her Trollian memo.

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.

CGC: 4S F4R 4S 3V3RYON3 WHO H4S P3ST3RCHUM SO F4R KNOWS TH4T K4RK4T 4ND D4V3 H4V3 B33N ST4Y1NG TOG3TH3R, R1GHT?

CGC: W3LL, DO 1 H4V3 SOM3 N3WS FOR YOU.

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] responded to memo.

CAG: Yeah, I could hear Dave from inside. I knooooooooow what happened.

CGC: 1'M NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT YOU, VR1SK4.

CGC banned CAG from responding to memo.

CGC: 4NYW4Y, 1T S33MS TH4T TH3R3 1S SOM3TH1NG GO1NG ON W1TH K4RK4T 4ND D4V3, 4S PROV3N BY SOLLUX.

CURRENT twinArmaggedons [CTA] responded to memo.

CTA: are we talkiing about kk'2 obviiou2 love for 2triider?

CGC: Y3S, 4CTU4LLY, W3 4R3. T4K3 A S34T. R1GHT OV3R H3R3, 4ND T3LL TH3 JURY 4BOUT WH4T YOU S4W.

CTA: well, kk ha2 the piink haze. he told me hiim2elf.

CGC: 4ND HOW DO YOU F33L 4BOUT TH3 B3TR4Y4L OF K4RKL3S' TRUST?

CTA: ii don't actually feel anythiing.

CGC: GOOD. K33P GO1NG.

CTA: ii iimmediiately a22umed iit wa2 dave, but ii wa2n't 2ure.

CGC: 1 KNOW 1T'S D4V3, B4S3D ON 4 P3ST3RLOG H3 4ND 1 H4D.

CGC: 4ND 4LSO B3C4US3 OF TH3 SOUNDS OF SLOPPY M4K3OUTS 1N D4V3'S ROOM.

CGC: D1RK 4ND 1 W3R3 K1CK3D OUT BY 4 'HORNY B4ST4RD WHO N33D3D SOM3 4LON3 T1M3 W1TH H1S HORNY BOYFR13ND'.

CTA: gro22. ii almo2t piity you, tz.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] responded to memo.

CTA: oh 2hiit, iit'2 kk.

CGC: RUN, FL33 COURT!

CCG: WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS!

CGC banned CCG from responding to memo.

CGC banned CTA from responding to memo.

CGC closed memo. )


	12. Two Fools Remain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a certain ram-troll predicts the future.

"Equius, are you awake?"

 

Nepeta stretched out as far as she could reach, and peered through the bars of her cage.

 

"Equius?"

"He's not awake, Nepeta." said another voice. Nepeta recognized it as Aradia Megido.

"Huh? Why? He's normally awake at this time." said Nepeta.

"He went to sleep." Aradia said. "He was tired."

"Oh, that's okay." Nepeta grinned. "What's on your mind, Aradia?"

"The future."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"What about the future?"

"I had a prophecy broadcasted into my head yesterday."

"What was it?"

"Two fools remain. One will die, the other survive."

 

Nepeta turned pale, and she quickly moved in her cage to get closer to Aradia.

 

"Who?" she asked.

Aradia shook her head. "It wasn't clear. I don't know."

"What do you know?" Nepeta pressed.

"Red." she said. "That's all I know. It will be red."

"Red? Red what? Red clothes? Red blood? Red relationship?"

"All I see is red, and that's what I know." Aradia said. "Go to sleep, Nepeta. Dave'll be over in the morning, I'm sure of it."

 

Aradia curled back into a ball, and Nepeta refused to sleep and just kept pacing forward and backwards, worried.

_Red? What could that purrsibly mean?_

* * *

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: thank god youre online

TG: john told me you were sick

TG: i was so fucking worried

TG: how are you?

TT: I'm fine, I've bnerver been beteter.

TT: Shit. *never *better

TG: rose seriously what the fuck is up with you

TT: They wanted me off the compter but I said I had to talk to you.

TT: Shit, shit, shit. It's coming. Dave, terminate the conversation!

TG: what why

TG: rose whats wrong???

TT: **We** **will find you, and we will kill you.**

TT:  **Rose is ours.**

TG: who the fuck are you?

TT:  **We're no one of any importance.**

TT:  **We are one.**

TT:  **Sorry, Dave, but that's how it's got to be.**

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

 

"What the fuck was that all about?" Karkat asked, peering over Dave's shoulder.

 

Dave leaned over and kissed Karkat on the cheek.

 

"Nothing to worry your already pissy head over." he said, throwing his phone to the side. "We going to save more trolls or what?"

"Uh, no." said Dirk. "The cool-troll and I will do it." 

"You sure, Dirk?" asked Dave, and Dirk nodded. 

"Don't worry, Bro. I got it. Come on, TZ!" he said. 

"Coming!" Terezi shouted, pulling on her socks. "Let's go!"

 

Dirk and Terezi left the dorm, and Dave took a moment to recollect himself before picking up his phone again.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: JADE

GG: whats wrong, dave?

TG: ROSE WHATS WRONG WITH ROSE

GG: shes asleep, dave.

TG: she contacted me

TG: SHE CONTACTED ME JADE

GG: how?

TG: PESTERCHUM

GG: hold on one second, let me go ask my friend. shes with rose right now.

TG: DONT GO IN THERE

TG: look ill pester your friend myself

TG: whats her chumhandle?

GG: um...

GG: activelycallable i think.

TG: thanks jade

GG: no problem!

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering activelyCallable [AC]

TG: youre with rose right

TG: im a friend

AC: ヽ(=^･ω･^=)丿< HELLO, ROSE'S FRIEND! :D WHAT'S WRONG?

TG: is she okay

AC: (=^･^=) < SHE'S FINE!!! SHE DID ASK FOR A COMPUTER IN HER SLEEP THOUGH.

AC: ~(=^‥^)ノ < ONE SECOND, SHE'S WAKING UP!

AC: aosjdaois\hnuiHELP MEjdknskz

AC:  **You can't run forever, Dave.**

TG: who the fuck are you guys????

AC:  **We'll get you in the end.**

activelyCallable [AC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

 

"Something tells me this isn't going to be good..." Karkat muttered.

"I agree, bro." Dave replied, placing his phone down. 

 

"Someone's going to die."


	13. PSA

((Hi, everyone! Repo here. I'd just like to say that I'm disappearing for a whole week, so TTC and HS:TM are going on holiday! Don't worry, I'll be writing on my phone when I'm gone, and will post up the chapters in quick succession!

 

I'll see you later, guys! :) ))


	14. Bad Things Are Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People are paralysed, people are infected.  
> Bad things are happening.

There was a scream from Rose's room, and Jade nearly threw her phone in the air.

She picked up her torch and cautiously made her way to Rose's room, opening the door with a small creak. 

The first thing she saw was green, all over the floor, and she threw up in her mouth. Jade disliked the look of blood, even if she was a troll doctor. 

She opened the door further to see Meulin, green liquid dripping from her ears.

 

"Meulin?!" She slid into the room, immediately attending to the green-blooded troll. "Meulin? Are you alright? What happened?"

"Jade? Jade. Jade!" Meulin said. "Jade, I can't...I don't-"

"Meulin, shush, what's happened?" Jade said, turning Meulin's head to the side.

"Rose, she-she's insane! She's all grey skinned and she's gone crazy!"

"Meulin, Meulin. Stay still for a moment, please."

 

Meulin stopped talking as Jade looked at the troll, her face turning white with the pure loss of blood.

 

"Meulin? Can you read my lips?" Jade gestured to her lips. Meulin nodded, lightly. "Can you hear me, Meulin?"

"No, Jade. I can't."

 

* * *

 

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: dave, i need your help.

TG: DAVE IS OUT RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

GG: karkat?

TG: YUP. HI, HARLEY. REMEMBER ME?

GG: i havent seen you since...

GG: well.

TG: DON'T FUCKING REMIND ME, HARLEY.

TG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

GG: i need to speak to dave! its really, really important.

TG: WHAT?

GG: i need to get into contact with kurloz!

TG: LET ME GET HIM FOR YOU.

TG: sup harley

GG: dave! do you have kurloz's pesterchum?

TG: yes

TG: why

GG: i need to get something to him.

TG: alright

TG: its terrifiedlyConvert

GG: thank you!

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

 

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering terrifiedlyConvert [TC]

GG: hi! this is jade!

TC: HELLO, JADE, HOW ARE YOU?

GG: i have some bad news.

TC: WHAT HAPPENED?

GG: its about meulin.

TC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER? WHAT HAPPENED?

GG: im really sorry, i didnt get there in time, but i really tried to save her, im so sorry!

TC: IS SHE DEAD?!

GG: no!!! however...

GG: meulin is terminally deaf.

GG: i dont think she will ever hear again! 

GG: she wont die, but she cannot hear.

GG: im sorry.

TC: THANKS.

terrifiedlyConvert [TC] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

 

Kurloz Makara found purple liquid dripping from his eyes, and he started to scream.


	15. PSA 2

Well.

I'm really sorry for leaving for so long you guys!!!

I'm going to jump back into writing really quick as soon as I remember where I was going, kay?

Again, really, really sorry!

You also might see some changes to chapters, so keep your eyes peeled!

I love you all! :)


	16. Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an intermission about Rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back! :)
> 
> Me. And I'm here to update Rose's situation.

Rose floated down the hallways of the space centre, her hands pressed to her elbows. Her skin was a dark, almost sickly grey, and she gulped down non-existent nervousness.

She was sick, and she was tired, and she wanted to sit down and rest, and yet...

She looked down at her feet, which were still floating a good few inches off the ground, and were moving.

 

Hell, she didn't even know where she was going. She had no strength to fight whatever was inside her anyway.

 

**_Rose. Rose, can you hear me?_ **

 

Surprised, the blonde nodded, looking around to find the source of the voice.

 

_**Don't bother. I'm in your head. Listen. I need you to listen to me.** _

_**They might say what you are now is...is a disease, but it's not.** _

_**This thing...whatever this thing is, is going to make you stronger.** _

_**You're going to become much stronger, Rose.** _

 

"But I - " she began, but was cut off by the sound of static through her head, forcing her to come to a stop.

 

_**No arguing. Like I said. Just listen.** _

_**There is something here bigger than all of this. Bigger than you, or me, or this.** _

_**Outside of this Earth, there are people. These people...they seek to injure you.** _

**_Some of them might be disguised as your friends, Rose._ **

**_They want to harvest your powers._ **

**_And to survive, you need to protect yourself._ **

**_Okay?_ **

 

The voice was distinctly familiar, and yet...and yet it had a creepy feeling to it, like a shiver down her spine. Rose closed her eyes and nodded, slowly. The voice seemed pleased by this, and continued to speak.

 

_**Okay, good! I'm glad you're going along with this so well!** _

_**Let me introduce myself. My name is Triana Rexeru. I'm a troll - or well, used to be before...before this.** _

_**I'm going to help you, if you let me, Rose.** _

_**We can win, together.** _

 

Rose shook her head, and then nodded it, so the troll - disease - whatever - knew of her assent.

 

_**Okay.** _

_**Let's start.** _

* * *

 

 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT:  **Dave.**

TG: shit

TG: shit its not rose is it youre not rose

TG: youre not our rose

TG: what have you done with rose???

TT:  **Don't worry. Rose is safe. Let me just speak with you for a moment.**

TT:  **I will begin with introducing myself. My name is Triana Rexeru.**

TG: im dave

TG: but you knew that

TG: what do you want

TT:  **...I need your help.**

TT: **Those trolls you're saving?**

TT:  **By tomorrow, you will only manage to save two of the three.** **  
**

TG: no

TG: im gonna get them all

TG: like it or not

TG: im gonna get them all or die trying

TT:  **No matter which way you try to cheat the system, you will only have saved eleven trolls.**

TT: **If you somehow do manage to save all three, one of your previously saved ones will disappear.**

TT:  **No, not disappear.**

TT:  **Die. One of them will die.**

TG: no

TG: no no one is going to die

TG: not anymore

TG: not now

TT:  **You speak as if you have experienced this before, Dave.**

TT:  **Is there something you're not telling anyone?**

TG: theres nothing

TG: i just

TG: know what its like

TG: to deal with death

TT:  **...Hm.**

TT:  **Whatever it is, Dave. You can't save them all.**

TG: i might not be able to

TG: but i sure as well will try

TG: and even if i die in the process

TG: they will be safe

TG: this one time

TG: i will win

TT:  **You aren't telling us something, are you?**

TT:  **There is something you know, Dave Strider, and it is something I am seeing right now.**

TT:  **...There is something very, very different about you.**

TG: fuck off and let me do my job

TG: these trolls will be saved

TT:  **Good luck, time traveller.**

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

 

* * *

 

 

"...Dave. What's...what's wrong with Dave? Why does he know more than...than what we expect him to?" Rose asked, seemingly to nobody.

 

_**He knows things, Rose. I think he's one of them.** _

_**One of the people who are trying to kill us.** _

**_Rose, you must not let him kill us._ **

**_Do you promise me?_ **

 

"I...I promise."

 

_**Good. Good girl.** _

_**I know I will be safe with you.** _

_**Please be careful, Rose.** _

_**Take care.** _

_**I will be back soon.** _

 

Rose stopped, and the space between her feet and the floor suddenly dissipated, leaving her in a crumpled heap on the floor.

She now knew exactly what Dave was up to.

And she didn't like it one bit.


	17. Dave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also known as "Shit happens."

Dave sat at his laptop, shutting the lid. He frowned, took a moment to breathe, and then stood.  
  
"何が？何が起こっているの？" Damara asked, and Dave simply adjusted his sci-suit.  
"I'm busy, Damara. I don't need your Japanese bullshit right now." Dave said, pulling his turntables from his backpack.  
"あなたは、時間の騎士と言うものは何でも。私はあなたが私はあなたが思っているよりも多くのことを知っていることを知っている必要があります。" Damara snorted, and turned back to her laptop.  
  
Dave knew it was time for intense measures. He had to save those three trolls - and make sure none of his own were taken.  
  
Especially not Karkat.  
  
He'd have to try as hard as he could this time - he didn't want to fail again.  
  
He took the familiar way down to the troll's cages, and pulled open the door.  
  
"You're here, Dave!" purred Nepeta. "We were starting to get worried!"  
"Sorry, you guys. There was a lot of shit happening." Dave said. "Come on, grab on, Nepeta."  
  
Nepeta purred slightly, and raised an outstretched hand to secure a grip on Dave's shoulder.  
  
"Equius?" she asked, and Dave raised his arm so the centaur-like troll had room to hold on.  
  
Equius seemed quite reluctant to go, but held on to Dave's arm.  
  
"...Gamzee isn't here, is he?" Aradia said. "He's gone."  
"Gamzee?" asked Dave, and had a flash of recognition. "Oh. No, he never ended up here. I see him often with Kurloz."  
"I wonder why." Aradia said. "I'll wait here, then."  
  
Dave took a look at her, and rewound his turntables back in time so they could get out of their cages. A moment later, he turned back to the original time, and Aradia came to the edge of the cage.  
  
"You're not going to save all of us." she said decidedly. "There will only be 11 of us, Gamzee included. I'd much rather die here."  
"Don't say that. Take my hand." Dave said, pained. "Come on!"  
  
The door swung open, and a man with a pure black sci-suit and an Old English fedora came in, pulling his cigarette from his mouth.  
  
Dave knew immediately who it was.  
  
"It's the Knight of Time." the man said, dropping the cigarette on the floor, crushing it. "Hello, Strider."  
"Noir." Dave said.  
  
Nepeta let out a yelp, and Equius made a growling noise in his throat. Jack Noir chuckled.  
  
"So that's why some of my kids have been disappearing." Jack said, crossing his arms. "Well. You will be duly punished for this, Strider. I'm sure Her Imperious Condescension will not be happy about this."  
"Who the fuck cares?" Dave spat. "You're treating these trolls like shit."  
"And you would know, Dave - you were there."  
  
Nepeta immediately turned to Dave, who did not meet her eyes.  
  
"Dave?" she asked tentatively, and Dave tightened his grip on his turntables, a hand moving towards his sword. "Dave, wh-what is Jack saying?"  
"You mean he hasn't told you?" Jack said, pulling another cigarette from his pocket. "I wouldn't be surprised - you think he barely knows you."  
"Don't you dare tell them, Jack." Dave said, sword out now.  
"Oh, I'm so scared." Jack sneered. "Why would I be scared of someone who works for me?"  
  
The attention in the room immediately focused on Dave, who swallowed, and straightened his back. Jack took a drag of his cigarette, and smiled.  
  
"Are you too scared to tell them, Dave? Cat got your tongue?" Jack said, amused.  
  
Dave growled.  
  
"I can speak fine, Noir. Have you considered seeing a optometrist? Obviously your eyes aren't that good anymore." he said darkly.  
  
Jack took out his still lit cigarette, stepped towards Dave and pressed the flame into the other's throat. Dave did not cry out, but his fingernails drew blood on his palms.  
  
Nepeta let out a screech and set out to attack Jack, who whacked her to the side so hard Dave swore he heard something break. Equius charged at Jack, and slammed the other man into the wall.  
  
Blood started dripping from the back of Jack's head as soon as he hit the wall - but like all higher ups, that wouldn't kill him. Dave wished it could.  
  
Nepeta whimpered, and Dave skidded over to her, pulling open his backpack for his med-kit.  
  
"Fuck. Fuck, I'm sorry." he said as he identified the area that required most attention.  
  
Nepeta was clutching onto her arm, and was crying olive, and Dave had no fucking idea how to take care of her.  
  
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]  
  
TG: jade  
TG: jade we need you home right now  
GG: dave? whats wrong?  
TG: do you  
TG: do you know how to  
TG: how to heal an arm  
TG: a broken arm jade  
TG: jade someone broke an arm and we need you  
GG: okay.  
GG: im going to need you to pull up a makeshift splint until i can get home.  
GG: can you do that?  
TG: how  
TG: how do i do that?  
GG: use something long and hard and tie it to the arm.  
GG: ill try and get home as soon as possible!  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
  
Something long and hard. Dave searched into his backpack, and found a strange thing that looked like a piece of wooden board.  
  
'You'll thank me later. - Rose' stated the note on the board, and momentarily, Dave sent regards to his sister, no matter how sick she was right now.  
  
He grabbed a spare tie from his backpack, and took Nepeta's broken arm.  
  
"If you hurt her, I will murder you." he heard Equius hiss, and Dave nodded.  
"Nepeta, I'm so sorry if it hurts." Dave said, slowly starting to tie the plank to stabilise the bone.  
  
Nepeta whimpered, and nodded as Dave tied it off.  
  
"Okay, come on. Let's get you back." Dave said. "We won't leave you, Aradia."  
"You always say that." Aradia said, but smiled.

* * *

 

Dave carried Nepeta into his abode with help from Equius, to find Karkat, Terezi and Vriska playing Snap with holo-cards.

  
"Nepeta!" Karkat said, standing up. "What the fuck happened?!"  
"Jack Noir." said Dave bitterly. "Come on, help her!"  
  
With Vriska and Terezi's help ("No spirit fingers, asshole." Karkat said, planting a kiss on Dave's cheek. "Sorry.") Dave and Equius got Nepeta onto the couch.  
  
She had stopped crying, but was still whimpering under her breath.  
  
Dave licked his lips, and sat down.  
  
"It's story time." he said. "I think you all deserve to hear the truth about me."  
"What the fuck are you talking about, Strider?" Karkat said, furrowing his brow.  
  
However, he gathered near the Hero of Time. The others made a little group, except Terezi, who looked as if she knew what he was going to say.  
  
"It was six years ago. I had just joined this place with my bro John, my sister Rose and John's sister Jade. And then the rest of them, y'know. When I first joined, Jack Noir   - " (At the name, every troll in the room flinched) " - came to me and asked if I wanted a job. Of course I wanted a job - if didn't have one I wouldn't be able to pay rent. So he offered me a job where I had to go back in time and collect certain things from certain people for something. What that something was I had no fucking clue, but I did my job."  
  
Dave accessed his inner memories, trying to remember a story he had locked away for as long as forever.  
  
"One day, Noir asked me to go back in time to get a spider from the inner depths of a cave, and this was when I started to doubt Noir. It was fucking dangerous. I almost died."  
  
Vriska cracked a smile, and Karkat's eyes widened in understanding.  
  
"Oh, shit." he said. "That means you..?"  
  
Dave coughed.  
  
"When I returned back with the fucking spider, Noir told me that he was going to show me what my discoveries had made. He led me into a room - the room where you were, into a back room, where I saw...where I saw you, Karkat. I think you must've been knocked out bad or something, because you looked like you were in some kind of coma."  
  
Karkat didn't meet Dave's eyes, and clicked his pincers impatiently.  
  
"Go on." Karkat said.  
"And they told me Karkat was in some kind of pre-transmutation state, and the transmutation was going to take place. He put my crab - I found that crab myself - on the table, and it..."  
  
Dave did not want to remember this, but he had figured everyone would want to know how they were formed, and the truth behind him.  
  
Besides, it was partly his fault that Nepeta had a broken arm.  
  
"It, uh, burrowed into Karkat's chest. And before I knew it, the crab was embedded inside him, and there was so much fucking blood. You didn't scream or anything Karkat, you just...laid there. I thought you had died. But you hadn't, because you opened your eyes, and they were bright red, and for the first time in my cool as hell life, my heart skipped a beat. Your hands combined and became pincers, and then these fucking things came up, and then I remember looking away."  
  
Karkat had the decency to blush a little, and snapped at him.  
  
"You...brought the animals that made us who we are?" Equius asked.  
"Yeah." Dave said.  
"What happened after that?" Terezi asked nonchalantly.  
"I, uh, quit. I left Noir to go do some investigating on the transmutation state. I found out more about what happened to you guys, and after I joined Kankri, I decided to look for you guys again. I found you guys, and I saved you. However - when I got to the last three - Nepeta died."  
  
Silence filled the room, and Vriska was the first to break the silence.  
  
"Wait. You've saved us before?" she asked.  
"I was getting to that." Dave said dully. "I didn't want that. I wanted to save you all again. So I restarted. I time travelled my soul and brain into my past body, right before I had first saved you all. And I tried again. This time, Equius died. I kept trying and trying, and at the eleventh time - Karkat was killed by Noir as a punishment."  
  
Dave was now trying to restrain his tears, because he remembered this moment like the back of his hand.

"So, uh..." he began, calming down as best as he could. "I, uh...the next time I went back, I went back as far as the moment I made the decision to follow Noir. I said no and got a job with Kankri. But still...but still I find you, and still one of you is going to die. This time - this time, I'm going to save you all. I promise."  
  
Karkat huffed, grabbing Dave's arm.  
  
"You do know you are the biggest idiot to ever exist, right? It's okay. You tried your best, and yet we're here, so either way..." the crab-troll began, and then trailed off.  
"Don't worry about it, coolkid!" Terezi said brightly. "We'll take care of each other!"  
"I know I can trust you." Dave said. "Which is why I have to go back for Aradia now. Keep safe."  
  
Karkat nodded, and let go of him, not before kissing the other's cheek.  
  
"Dave?" Vriska said as Dave stood. "I think you'll want to get Damara with you."  
"...Seriously?" Dave said in disbelief.  
"Yeah. It's a good idea to get her sister, too." Terezi said. "Damara's pretty strong."  
"Yeah? Okay. I will. Thanks, you guys."   
  
Dave made to leave, and then turned back for Karkat.  
  
"If I don't come back with Aradia, I love you." he said, and then left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 何が？何が起こっているの？ = What? What's going on?
> 
> あなたは、時間の騎士と言うものは何でも。私はあなたが私はあなたが思っているよりも多くのことを知っていることを知っている必要があります。= Whatever you say, Knight of Time. I'll have you know that I know a lot more than you think.


	18. The Plight of Damara Megido

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I might float a little away from the main arc to talk a bit about Damara. This could be fun.

Damara Megido crossed her legs as the door to the office opened.

She glanced at her laptop. She had been chatting to someone - well, a certain someone, before being bothered by Dave, who had come in immediately, looking for her. 

Apparently, he hadn't noticed she was sitting right there in front of him.

Good.

 

AA: それはノワール、おかしいではないですか？少年はちょうどインチ来た.

JN: whatever kid

JN: we need to talk

AA: 他には。あなたは私が再び何かを見つけたいなんて言わないでください。

JN: no it isnt about that

JN: dave is going to try to save them

JN: you cant let him do that

AA: そして私は彼を助けるか？

JN: then

JN: then i suppose

JN: no more privileges

AA: それはちょうど公平ではない。

JN: life aint fair kid

JN: good luck

 

jetNavigator [JN] ceased pestering adventitiousAegean [AA]

 

"Damara." Dave said, finally noticing her. 

  
Damara raised a perfect jet-black eyebrow.

 

"What you want?" she asked.

"Look, Megido. I know you can speak better than that." Dave said bitterly. "I need your help."

 

Damara just glared at him, and pulled a cigarette from a pack.

 

"Alright, you got me." she said, taking a drag. "What do you want me to help you with?"

 

Damara was actually multi-lingual, and had been able to speak fluent and smooth English for years on end, but preferred Japanese to English, partly because she could make sexual innuendos so much more easier - and no one would understand her.

 

"Aradia Megido." Dave said. "I want to go save Aradia."

"And?" Damara asked. "Why do you need me for?"

"'Cause...'cause Serket says I do."

"Are you really going to let Serket tell you what to do?"

"No, but - "

"This isn't about Serket,  _is it._ " _  
_

Dave looked like a deer caught in headlights. Damara chuckled, taking another drag of her cigarette.

 

"If it isn't about Serket..." she said eventually. "then why are you bothering me?"

"Karkat." Dave finally said. "It's...selfish, but I want to stay alive for Karkat."

"Oh, the Vantas boy. Right." Damara dropped her still smoking cigarette on the floor, crushing it with her heel. "Let's go. Don't waste time, Strider."

"Wait, so - "

"And don't ask questions."

 

Damara and Kankri had a difficult relationship. Or so they liked to think. Damara found it incredibly amusing to taunt the other boy in Japanese, blowing sexual innuendos at him. She had done it all the time - at least, before Cronus had come around.

Damara was...slightly shaken by Cronus Ampora, the troll who had so wanted to be a 'greaser human' with a heart of gold and incredible self-esteem. Cronus had once warned her that "if you hurt kankri vwantas in any wvay i wvill find you and kill you, you dig?"

From then on, she had not bothered Kankri Vantas - unless he was alone. She always pulled the trigger card on him.

Speaking of Kankri Vantas, he was buzzing her right now on Pesterchum. 

 

censoriallyGilded [CG] began pestering adventitiousAegan [AA]

CG: Damara, I 6elieve that we need t9 talk.

AA: NOT NOW.

AA: I'M BUSY.

CG: Damara, this is 9f utm9st imp9rtance. I'm sure whatever y9u're d9ing can wait.

AA: DEFINE IMPORTANT.

CG: Damara, I d9 6elieve that y9ur c9nstant use 9f capital letters can be very triggering. If y9u want me t9 talk t9 you a69ut it, I will.

AA: alright fine. just say what you need to say and leave me alone.

CG: This is a69ut Karkat.

AA: god, now two of you want him.

CG: Hang 9n. Tw9?

AA: yeah. strider came by and wanted me to help him get aradia cause of the guy.

CG: 9kay, 9kay. Are y9u already 9n y9ur way?

AA: yeah.

CG: Stand 6y. D9 n9t m9ve. I'm c9ming t9 help.

AA: why?

CG: 6ecause Karkat just sh9uted d9wn the ph9ne at me (which is incredi6ly triggering 6y the way, I must tell him t9 st9p) demanding that I g9 'keep his matesprit fr9m harm'.

AA: yeah yeah whatever.

AA: just get down here before i lose my shit.

CG: Language.

 

adventitiousAegan [AA] ceased pestering censoriallyGilded [CG]

 

"Dave." Damara said.

"What?"

"Wait here."

"Why?"

"Kankri's coming to help."

" _Why?_ "

"Your matesprit is smarter than I thought. He's called Kankri down for you."

"...Goddamn it, Karkat."

"What?"

"I told him not to worry, I _said_ I'd be fine - "

"Obviously he doesn't trust you enough." said another voice, distinctly recognised as Kankri Vantas. "I've brought Cronus. We should be fine."

"Did someone call the calvary?" said a newer voice.

"John?" Dave asked, confused now. "But I thought - "

 

John patted Dave on the shoulder, coming in with Kankri and Cronus.

 

"I heard there was trouble, so I came to help. You're lucky Karkat is resourceful." John said. "Better be careful, though. He said if I bring you back injured at all, he'll go all rage snake on us."

"I don't even know what that means, bro." Dave replied. "Thanks for coming, anyway."

"Anytime! Pale for you."

"Pale for you too, dickface. Now let's get moving before we lose Aradia."

 

Dave felt more confident than he had in a while - and maybe he was lucky he had such good friends by his side.

Little did he know that a choice was to be made very soon, and it wouldn't be an easy one at all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> それはノワール、おかしいではないですか？少年はちょうどインチ来た. = Isn't it funny, Noir? The boy just came in.  
> 何について？あなたは私が再び何かを見つけたいなんて言わないでください。= About what? Don't tell me you want me to find something again.  
> そして私は彼を助けるか？ = So what if I help him?  
> それはちょうど公平ではない。 = That just isn't fair.


End file.
